Sleepless nights, baggy eyes, and a whole lot of nothing

Its been about over a month now where I have fought what is symptoms of insomnia, not sure exactly that’s what it is, however, I am almost convinced I am losing my mind due to lack of sleep.

There has been a lot of my mind for the past few months now, obviously, but I try to find stuff to do that will relax me at night or tire me out so I can at least go to bed. Lets just say, nothing has worked. I haven’t been drinking, I am taking the medicine I need to and things are going fairly well, other than not sleeping, so probably if I find a job I can relax a bit more and not worry so much about things. School is really the only thing that keeps me going, if not, Id be a zombie walking around doing nothing.

Any other time I would agree that finding a job would be a lot easier if I have my degree finished now, I can tell you not even a degree is helping people now in this day an age.  I think that is the number #1 cause of why I am uneasy at night and not able to sleep. We will see how things go in the near future I have applied at a few places to do some office work, hopefully I get phone calls, if it doesn’t happen, its back to phase 1, again.

My parents have been VERY supportive and I would not be surviving at all if it weren’t for them, mind you, I will owe them for the rest of my life, or their lives. I don’t think I will be able to thank them enough.

That’s it for now, I have to babysit today. This will be interesting on no hours of sleep; no worries, Brenden keeps me going he wont let me sit down, which is a good thing.

Welcome to the day of liquor and noodles

Well today, I finally enjoyed doing something; woke up at 5pm, clipped my toe nails, ate ramen, and its now 12:27pm. Oh watching tv was in there somewhere. Now I may go to bed or, go find the rest of the sandwich I ate earlier in my bed.

See-Saws are bad…

In the past few days, my mind has either been a sift, or a see-saw. Either I was heading into drama  head-on, or I was walking away from it and my mental state was like a wonderful see-saw. Yesterday and today was really,  really bad. I didn’t sleep well last night, so that means today I slept in until about 1pm. I was explaining to a friend yesterday why I am the way I am and really, I got nowhere of why. I am a very caring person but in the past month or so it really has just bit me in the ass, so  I have backed away and now the see-sawing begins. Taking anxiety medicine has yet to have had an effect so I may need to figure out another solution.

I consider myself very close to all my friends and have found out that the feelings are not always mutual, A lot of the drama comes from that I suppose, however, When I am unable to help friends, or have a sense of being there for them, I feel that I am useless. Now, more than ever because I am also unemployed. Ha, funny how things work.

I also thought that running or walking or something outside would help me, no it doesn’t physically I feel ok, but mentally I am still cloudy and am still unsure of many things.

Doorsteps are dangerous for good moods.

It is about the right time when all drama is off me, and I am actually enjoying myself, when again, drama is left right on my doorstep. It is now to the point where I am just gonna ignore it…pretend it doesn’t exist and then go on with my day. It usually goes nuts when I end up having to deal with it or talk to someone about it….. ERGO…….ignoring it and everyone involved because its less crap that I am gonna worry about. A less angry me is a better, and people want to deal with the better me.

failure and jokes of life

you know it never really dawned on me until today that there is so much talk and hidden negativity behind your back…. it never really dawned on me of how much people, both friends and foes keep from you. It really does make one feel like a failure, dumb, and not liked at all, no matter how nice or friendly they are to you in person. Over the last year it’s finally hit me that the closest people to you can have zero respect for you and for that bitterness and anger grows, and it has grown this last year….. when you find these things out you really feel hurt because I never truely know a person and it can take a hit to your self esteem when u think you are doing a good job or being a good person. That is where you come off feeling worthless, stupid, replacible, or even unloved. The best people you know are most likely these people to do this to you or make you feel this way. Right now, human contact isn’t really on the top of my list just for the fact that no matter what I try or what I do the u can’t earn respect back when it’s lost or when it’s not even possible to have it from some people…. that’s about 3/4 of the closest people I know…. jokes over people, I have had enough. I have let myself be treated badly for to long. letting the old people go and starting fresh is the way to go, only way to figure out that my life isn’t a big joke to everyone and being nice gets you no where.

Dull-ville Population: Me

Life is getting a bit more dull day after day, especially this weekend. Other than having some fun ripping up 3 layers of floors at Dougs, things are back to their normal dull self in my life at the moment of unemployment. It has been a while since I have been challenged or found pride in the work I do. I think that is one of the biggest problems I have had since leaving Hempfield and Memorial Hospital.
It is very hard to find new endeavors in this economy especially since I am still working towards a degree; fingers are crossed however, I am hoping a few things turn out. If not, I will need a double dose of medicine, haha.
I am also working on a 3rd shift sleeping schedule, and it kinda sucks, I am not sure why I cant relax and fall asleep like a normal person, I end up sleeping until about 3-4pm in the afternoon, I still feel exhausted but, I still cant sleep. My ideas on that matter are running out.
On a more exciting note, the iPad is scheduled for release on the 3rd, very eager to get a hold of one to play with, I wanna see how well it can handle RAW images right from a SLR camera SD card. Thats all for now, I should get a doctors office visit scheduled maybe? haha

Back to the drawing board, again.

Well, It is back to job hunting for the 2nd time in the month of March, hooray…… no, not really. It was the same time last year that I found myself looking for a new place of employment. A year later I find myself looking, again. Go me. This is getting old; thought that 2010 would be a better year, nope, it isnt. Anywho, here is to doing nothing again, for a while.

Whisky or Whiskey ?

I ended up taking a nice camping trip (this years vacation) to Kentucky from July 30 – August 2nd. I had to say it was the most fun I have had in a long time, it was a nice change of scenery, and a nice change of pace for me. I went with 6 other guys including 3 hempfield guys, two of which were my former teachers, and 3 others I have just met but were friends of the others. Terry and and his friends are big Indy car racing fans; so we had a camp ground 4 minutes away from Kentucky Speedway.

I have to say; I do not think I have been drunk, let alone hungover so much in my life. It was hardcore camping from thursday night to sunday morning with no electricity, and no water.

Friday was spent all day traveling to 4 of the 8 whisky/whiskey distilleries; we ended up traveling to  Buffalo Trace, Woodford Reserve, Wild Turkey, and Makers Mark). All tours and tastings were wonderful, tasted what is the equivalent to moonshine at Buffalo Trace, wow, I must that burnt going down.

I had my Wild Turkey bottle signed by their Master Distiller, I dont think I will ever open that bottle; Then I got to hand dip the two bottles of Makers Mark I bought. Friday was a long day, left at 8:30am got back to the camp ground around 8ish. I passed on buying bottles of Buffalo Trace and Woodford Reserve, just because they were a little more expensive and I was on a budget, however there is one liquor store here in PA that has Buffalo Trace; or so the website says, however they are both delicious.

Buffalo Trace has a few other names of whiskey/whisky which I am gonna have to try and that I can get in PA. Woodford Reserve I had before because Doug got me a bottle of it either as a gift for house sitting or a gift for my birthday; I will be getting about bottle of that, I can tell you.

Saturday was a relaxing day at the campsite just, sitting, talking, games, and lots of drinking. We started drinking about 9am like everyone else in the camp ground. It was a nice day out since we had been running around all day on friday. We played redneck gold, redneck washer, and we played some cards.

Saturday night we ended up tailgating in the parking lot of Kentucky Speedway. The race started at 8:45 and we got there around 6pm. That was a fun time drinking in the parking lot meeting other people and having conversations. I ended up not feeling well after the race started. They got around about 100 or so laps before I got sick and ended up going back to the camp site to relax.

Sunday morning we packed up and left. All and all it was a fun filled weekend with the guys in Kentucky, away from technology, away from work, away from school. It was fun to relax and have fun with some friends, and get to enjoy some nice smooth whisky; or is it Whiskey?

Weekend Packed Full of Busy, Insanity, and Fun.

So after a long week of not a lot, I was looking forward to the weekend. I spent most of the weekend working on two videos and they are both finally done (except for burning the project out).

Friday afternoon I helped Derrick with getting his new Macbook Pro setup and files moved over. He was quite happy to finally have his own laptop now. He was going on a Boy Scout …thing this weekend and he borrowed my Nikon D60, so I’m excited to see what type of pics he got to update the NE-6B site with.

Friday night I ended up watching Brenden for most of evening. He is to the point where is can walk he just afraid to let go and walk without help of anyones hand, or something to hold on too. He is also now saying my name, and a bunch of other words. He knows to say “up” when he wants you to pick him up, and he says “out” when he wants to go outside; it is really funny. I know he is gonna be a trouble maker since he already loves to play with everything in the house other than his toys; i.e.,  stove knobs, ceiling fan chains, climbing on the couch to look out the window, wondering what is behind the couch, smacking people on TV, playing the piano, and not to mention, he is now a master of going up and down the stairs all by himself.

Saturday was my first golf outing to the driving range since about, ohhh, 7th grade. I suck; Watching Mike and Doug hit the damn golf balls out on the range made me wanna compete to see if I could gloat; but no, I missed on the first swing and caught nothing but air. so screw that game, Im glad I have jury duty tomorrow.

After golf I hung out with Doug and family, Sammi is growing up so fast; she is so much fun to listen to when she talks. Doug also got me interested into more shows on the Food network like usual; The show “Chopped” is amazing, they had some pretty crappy chefs on apparently, according to Doug.

I have not been sleeping well the past week at all, I have been up way to late and not being able to fall asleep, so mornings are hell. I had to get up and get the video to my former church this morning before the first service. I am really tired today, however I know I probably wont get sleep tonight either because I just haven’t been sleeping; so we’ll see.

The video went over very well for the congregation, the church is in their transition phase of traditional vs. Contemporary. I am going to help a friend who works on their new developed “Technology Board” so we can come up with a “that be nice” “will needs” and “could use” lists to move forward with the churches transition. It will be interesting.

Im excited to get back to  work this week to see what projects come my way, so we’ll see.

Bye Bye Happiness, Hello Debt, Misery, and Craziness

This week has been more of a punch in the face by reality. I have not figured out the entire reason why but it seems like this week has been one emotional downfall and a string of bad luck. It actually started on saturday when I found out I have Jury Duty as well as getting a letter saying I was denied financial aid for the fall of 2009 so as of now I doubt I’ll be going and wasting more time not going. I now feel like an idiot because I have told everyone I am all ready for school and I am excited, well I was until that letter came. It was then I kinda just went off the deep end and kinda just lost it. Everything has been negative and depressing ever since. Most of the time (usually) I can handle most of this by continuing a project at work or at home, or hanging out with friends, or finding some other joy or service work I enjoy doing. Well that all has seemed to cease at the moment. I am very thankful for the job that I have and for all the support I am getting and the new learning curve I have had. On the other hand, the  Excitement and insanity I have been used to at my previous job is not there and my talents are no longer being utilized as they were. Which for me is an negative since I am the type of person who would rather sit with someone, teach them or explain a reason of “why it works this way” and “why this doesnt…” as well has using talents working with the staff on a personal level, sparking ideas in other minds with my work, and moving the organization forward. It is a very different environment where I am at now, its a rewarding and new experience  that I needed however, Its not where I belong for a career choice.

This week has also been a bit of an eye opener, talking with former co workers I come to the realization that I didn’t hate my job, it was because I didn’t take the time to sit and think and that with my depression issues I hate everything just not my job. I was blaming the job for being the cause of my misery, well it wasn’t and now I regret things I have done. It is to the point where I dont sleep at night and do not wanna get out of bed in the morning.

I am sure most of you are thinking, it is my usual “drama” I am spouting off, and really if that is what you think, then I do not care to talk to you. It has been said to me already ” Tired of your drama” and honestly,  put yourself in my position and see what you would do. If you would not bring drama around people and not talk about it, yea thats what I used to do until everyone always encouraged me to talk about it. Now I just bring drama. “Damned if I do, Damned If I don’t”.

School seriously needs to start because I am running out of juice to keep going at this pace and spending the days of the week in misery. There are not many options for jobs right now, nor are there many options to do much of anything with my time without spending money that I do not have at the moment. Ha !, funny how I am stuck in a loop a the moment.

Here is hoping that my attitude is gonna change soon or something positive happens because, things cant get possibly worse.